The Speed of Trust

Hey there, friends and welcome to becoming a boss where we usually take some time each week to talk with someone who is wrestling with specific situation at work. But today we're breaking bad to talk about the thing that can make or break a marriage. The thing that could end lifelong friendships. Is this dramatic enough for? Yes. Okay. that I believe is one of the few required elements. Have any high-functioning team? You want to tell them what that is? Husband? Yeah, the way to make everything better. Yeah. The speed of trust, the speed of trust and who better to discuss this very hot topic with then the person I trust the most in this whole entire world. My husband. Oh, they're going to say hot topic with hot husbands. I would have been fun. It's uh, it's it's P it's PG it's. Okay. So we're not allowed to say stuff like that. Alright. Hello, Justin. So, Hey, this is your first time on the show. Are you nervous? No. You're also the first. Male. on the show. So lots riding on your shoulders. Yeah, no pressure, no pressure. Um, okay, so I have a question. I know we're going to talk about the speed of trust. But I mean, it's easy to say, be trustworthy, but how do we do that? Practically? I mean, mine. Yeah. My mind is immediately going to the 13 behaviors of trust. Sorry. I got, no, I was just gonna say, is that, is that what we want to talk about? Do we just want to dive into 13? Cause that's everything over the last 10 years of my life has been. Aligning with those 13 behaviors that build break or ruin. Trust? Yes. So the book that we're talking about is called the speed of trust. It's by Stephen M R Covey. Not to be confused with his father, his father. So Steven Kelly. Office even copy. So it's super clear. Who wrote the seven habits? As you guys probably have read before. So his son. Also named Stephen Covey wrote this book called the speed of trust and it is. One of the most underrated books, I think. On the planet. I mean, the, the book is great in the book. It lists the 13 behaviors. They're clear, they're succinct and they're practical handles for me. You can just read it and say, oh, this is what I need to do. Yeah. Easy peasy. And since a lot of people don't know about it, or I'm assuming, I don't know, it's not the first book that people. Say right. It's just not, I don't know why, but these 13 behaviors are awesome. So let's talk about them. All right. The first, wait before we talk about them. Okay. I feel like everybody in their mind has their own perception of what they feel like trust means to them. And so if you're listening, whether it's on. I don't know, whatever platform, if you have the ability to respond, I want to hear what is the thing to you? That breaks your trust, the quickest. Think of somebody in your mind that. Broke your trust in the past. And let us know who that was. And then also the opposite. What was the quickest way that people have built trust with you and why? Because the answers to the questions hopefully will align with one of these 13 behaviors that we. Already know about it. Just puts them in easy language to understand. So can we actually, we can go through them, but first. Can we. Build up suspense by just asking people what they think is the number one way to break. Trust the quickest. We're not an answer. According to Covey. But yes. What is. Right answer. According to me. Yes. Break. Commitments. Yes. Oh, it's such a pet peeve. Cubby says so too. And Covey. They had surveyed a lot of people to figure it out. Never one way to break trust. The quickest is to break commitments. Oh, right. So I was right on task. You're right. So smart, your wife is smart. That's why I married you and more. The number one way to build trust. The quickest is. Deliver results. That is right. I love getting answers. Right? I know this isn't a test though. Are people. Okay. I'm competitive. Yes, I want to win. I know. Do you have any more questions? No. I think those are the biggest ones that people resonate with the most. It's, it's easy to come to mind what breaks my trust and what builds my trust. Every person I've ever asked has an answer in less than 30 seconds. Yeah. So I feel not everybody will completely resonate with those things. Maybe they'll be like, yeah, I guess. But of the 13. I think we'll hit everybody who, had something come to mind. So, yeah. Do you, can you think of a person who trusted a lot? And why you trusted them bring your own personal life. They're going to ask. And then when they broke your trust, no, no, no, no. Let's keep it as it is. Uh, yeah. you. Okay, well, that's kind of a, I mean, you, we build trust quickly with each other very quickly. At some point, we can tell our story, but I know that we got married in less than a year. I had one date. You can't say stuff like that. It's high trust. It's like we had one date. We knew that we were supposed to be together. And. Um, basically from the time of meeting to three months later, we were engaged They might have been actually quicker than that. Oh boy. Anyway, but high trust. Yeah. We had to yeah. You're right. We had to trust each other and trust that what we were doing was the right thing. And we were taking counsel anyway. Speed of trust. Okay. Number one, straight talk. Straight talk, say what you mean and mean what you say exactly. So that one's pretty clear, I think. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So there are 13 behaviors. Each one, if you do it. You're building trust. Like depositing into a bank account, a trust account, right? If you don't do it. Your breaking trust or withdrawing from the account or withdrawing from somebody's trust account. It's something more dangerous than depositing or withdrawing. It's depositing a counterfeit. so if we try to do one of the trust behaviors. In a way that is misleading or, Acts as a counterfeit, for example, straight talk. If you just deliver the truth. The way to not do it is just not saying anything at all. The counterfeit. Oh, I got this one. We got this. The counterfeit is if you pass that aggressive me. Y. Yes. Oh man, passive aggressive, but also it's like the white lie. I tell the truth, but I intentionally leave the wrong impression. Ooh dirty. Yes. Which is why it breaks trust even more. So it's. Far more damaging to. To do it in that way than to not do it at all. It's like a double negative. It is, it's like I'm doing the right thing, but I actually had the wrong intention. So it makes it worse. So each one of these has a counterfeit that is significantly more damaging. Okay, so number one is straight talk. Yes. To me, me, which say, yes. Number two is demonstrate respect. Say what you mean, but say it respectfully. Yeah. So. Number two is task number one, kinda. Yeah, hopefully you're saying things nicely. We're in a way that is honoring and respectful. Yeah. So instead of just saying something like your performance sucks, You say something? More along the lines of, Hey, I noticed your performance isn't as high as it normally is. Can we talk through it? Yeah, or not telling somebody your performance sucks in front of a team of 50 people. That's embarrassing. Yeah. Respectfully do it. Coach. In private. Celebrate. Praise in public. Yeah, cool story though. Not really. Okay. Um, I know this company used to work for they instead of holding people accountable. They would actually embarrass people as a form of accountability. So. That was a fun culture. Can be in not really people can't tell your smile. Sorry. It's not a fun, not fun, not fine culture. Sure. Not a fun call chair. Embarrassing people is not respectful. Yeah. And I get, there are times to be able to have hard conversations in public, but it's, it really is more of a. Acception scenario. Than it is. Across the norm. It's always great to be able to. Publicly shame people. It's not the case. That's not, you should never, you should never do that. Yeah. So timeout, I'm reading right now, radical candor, which is separate book. I don't want to get everybody confused book. But in that book, radical candor, she's talking about the value in having conflict. In front of everyone. Yeah. Which is such a wonderful concept. Because it feels contrary to what we were just saying. I know it does, but. That's what made me think of it. Because I think how I was quote unquote raised in my leadership theory, it was. That you shouldn't have conflict amongst your team, but every relationship should have healthy conflict. Yeah. Because we were made differently and we were made differently on purpose. And in order to in a healthy way, celebrate our differences. Sometimes we have to have a conflict. I mean, sometimes we have to fight. We do. I know we don't like to talk about it. I know. But we always got through it. It's always better made us better. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing about conflict. You may have an opinion, somebody else's different opinion, but. If you can healthily navigate your way through it, then you come out on the other end stronger. Yeah. We're aligned on the same mission. We both want to achieve the same thing. Goal. Same goals, same vision running in the same direction. And so any obstacles that we have, we have to figure out how to navigate them together because we need to get to the end together. Right. Okay. So number three. Yeah. This is the hard part of arguments. Number three. Because you talked about the thing that breaks relationships, the things that break, like at the beginning of the podcast. This is the thing that will damage everything. My very dramatic intro. Yes. And it's people not doing this one create. Transparency. Yeah. people don't want to open up about their feelings. And their past or who they are, their character. And so if they won't open up about who they are, It's hard to connect with people that they lead.I mean, that's a deeper level. If you want to connect with your people, that's pretty high level of leadership, but even a basic level. I just was listening to a podcast this morning and the guy's talking about how he foreigns duty. He, I, I should, I should add a caveat that he knew it was wrong after the fact. So he learned his lesson, but okay. He fired this dude for not monitoring calls. He was a manager. In a call center and he wasn't monitoring calls. So we fired him. But. The other guy was like, well, did you. Tell him, he had to monitor calls. And he's like, no, I just, he's been a sales manager in the past. He should have known. He should have known is. Oh, my word it's one of my all time, least favorite. Precincts to here. Yeah. He should've known. Yeah, I feel this also ties into number 10. Number nine. We can't go to 9 0 3. We don't need to go tonight. But I do feel like a lot of these overlap. Cause people will be like, isn't this? Wait isn't that? We already talked about this, like keeping commitments. Isn't that the same as like delivering results? No. Right. So in this case, I'm thinking of creating transparency. It's helpful to know what the goals are, but also to clarify the goals. So I feel like there's an overlap. We'll get to clarify expectations later, but. Yeah. The counterfeit real quick though. Of creating transparency. I used to work at a bank. And so when people would call in. I couldn't give information. There's like a proper amount of transparency I could give when somebody calls in. Okay. I had to verify they were who they said they were. Right. They had to verify. Some information with me. And still at that point. I could not tell them your social security number is. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Even though I saw all of that. that's just something that you don't do over the phone. And I can't go up to random strangers and just tell them. You know my life story. If they're not ready to hear it, there's some things. you have to gauge where we are in the relationship. And how much I'm supposed to say. Like the appropriate amount of transparency. Based on where we are in a working relationship and our friendship. Or marriage, or do you feel like in a marriage it's like, well, we're in this together. We need to Get down to the. Root of it. But even just in a working relationship. Yeah. So, yeah, that's on a deeper level, but let me take number three, create transparency to an even, uh, just a lower level. That's your new manager. It's to tell the truth in a way that people can verify. Yeah. And one of the easy ways to do this is if you say. Something in a one-on-one meeting with one person. And then you say that again and different one-on-one meeting with another person. Yeah. And then you say the same thing again in the team meeting with everyone present. It's a unified message. And when you're repeating the same. Things over and over and also communicating the same values. This same goals. It just, it creates transparency among the entire team. So that they're clear on. What we're all about? What is our culture about. What does our company about it just makes it clear. All right. Yeah. Number four. Ooh. Right? Your wrongs. So when I make a mistake, it's not just saying, I'm sorry. This one says. Well, yes. It is. Yeah. Sorry. Make restitution where possible? Yes. So if there's a way to fix what I did wrong, I should take initiative to go up and try to fix what I did wrong to make it better or to make up for the mistake. Yeah, and I think that's A better way to really. Create that transparency. If you say you're sorry. Then you make restitution on top of that. it's easier for people to believe that you meant what you said when you said, I'm sorry. Yeah, this one's interesting because it's not. I feel like this one has the most. Grace. Out of all of them. Because if you make a mistake, I feel like you can gain people's trust back really quickly. If you were actually going to. Apologize and do what you can to fix the situation right. It's like, Hey, I am. Sorry. I feel bad. I recognize my wrongs. And here is a situation that has now been resolved and it's like, oh, thank you. Yep. All right. Number five, show loyalty. Oh, I love this one. give credit to others. To their face and also behind her back. Kind of how we were told in school. Don talk about people behind their back. Do talk about them behind their back speak a well over them. Yeah. Behind their back. Right. Speak well of them to their face speak well of them behind their back. Be the same person. In front of them and behind them. Gosh. So the opposite of showing loyalty. It's not doing it. yeah, and I think a common. Thing that we see in offices is gossip. I think people gossip. Yeah. Do you feel like this goes into counterfeit territory? Yeah, I do. or, we like to, oh, bless her heart. Yeah. But what does that really mean? Right. Okay. And you're saying something nice. It sounds like you're saying. Nice. You're actually. You're not doing candor at all. Crossing over books again. Okay. All right. So show loyalty. Get. Again, credit to others, to their face and also behind their back. Yes. Number six, deliver results. Quickest way to build trust. So I love this one because for me, I think it's easy. Just do the dang thing. Yeah. this is the first one of the competencies. So the last five we talked about are always to build trust and character. And so that's the starting point. Yeah. if you want to. Build other people's trust in your character. During those first five ones And now these next five ones, if you want to. Build people's trust in your ability to do the job or to do the work or to do it better than they think they can this to really get great at these. So to deliver results is number. Six. So the competence-based behaviors are six through 10. So number six is deliver results, which is just, I mean, plain and simple, just to get it done. But the opposite or maybe counterfeit is the word that should be using is to make. Excuses. Maybe it crosses over to straight talk. But get part of the counterfeit be. Delivering. Shoddy. Results. I'm thinking about if you work for accounting or data or whatever, and you deliver. What they asked for. But it's incorrect information. Um, like maybe you actually then check the work, double check the work. And it's like, yeah, we actually spent a hundred thousand this year. Yeah. As a business or whatever. Yeah. It's like, no, we spent 300,000 and you told us 100,000. Like crossovers street talk. It's like all these different things, but it's like, yeah. Don't get me started on data integrity. Yeah. You got to deliver the right, right. Hey, listen. Dana. Are you a data person or a data person? Definitely data. Definitely data. Yeah. I agree. Okay. I know a lot of this is going to split the audience. I know a lot of people that do data. I know we're supposed to be about unity. Oh, we are. Then I set up. Okay. All right here. I'll go. I'll change my answer. And I'll say data that way. If they like me, or if they like. They're going to like somebody. Yeah. Okay. So data then. Um, clock symbol. Okay. Okay. Number seven. Get better. Yeah. Get better. Oh, Justin, you're so good at this one. That's correct. I don't think it's kind, I think it's straight talk. Okay. Because you are, you're so good at making sure that you have regularly scheduled time to learn. ABCD. Yeah, that's how I feel up. Do you want to tell people your schedule in the morning? Sure. 5:00 AM I try to get up? But then I listened to the Bible. I do Duolingo. I'm on day 667. Doing it in a row. If we're talking about StrengthsFinders, consistency is my worst strength. We're not talking about strength. I know, but the fact that I got up to 6 67. I'm fighting through this big. That consistency thing. Uh, and then after that I get up and I drink right now. Warm water, warm candy water. According to somebody on YouTube. Water with zero sugar Skittles drink mix. It's very clear. I'm not doing coffee anymore. And then. I study stories in the Bible and how stories are told in are effective. If they lasted all these years. Um, there's gotta be something that's written well in there. So just trying to understand it. But that's it. That's currently. My thing, but it is not like that for a while. I try to find something that works well and what doesn't work. I just cut it out. For example, like cutting out coffee recently. My body. I was exhausted. And I would just drink more coffee to not be exhausted, but then. Yes. And then I would crash. I mean, that's what we all have done. Um, But then one day I felt like. My body keeps telling me I'm tired and I keep getting sick. And I wonder if it's because I'm not listening because I'm drowning it with coffee. What if I instead listen to my body and rested, went to bed an hour earlier and not scrolling on social media. So I did that. Then I feel much better. The next day sucked. But it's like listening to my body. Uh, and being willing to go through hard things, to be able to. Get better. And learn. So, yeah, I guess that's my example. Yeah, that's a good example. How do you get better? I well, you know, my, again, I'm diving into StrengthsFinders right now because I'm a learner. I love to learn. So I don't really. I feel like it's cheating. Yeah. 'cause I'm gonna love to learn anyway. Yeah, whether or not you told me in my 13 behaviors, right? People love things. It's just interesting. I just I'm interested in things I'm intrigued. See, I used to hate learning. Oh, I hated learning. I love you. Uh, all of high school. And college. Timeout timeout. That's because they were telling you what to learn. Yes. Yes. But you want me to be the boss of what you learn? Yeah, I realized as soon as I got into my first psych caucus psychology class, and that I can learn about learning and learn about people, I found what I was actually interested in. Yeah. And so then I loved it, but I hated studying history. I hated studying science. Uh, I know some people loved it. I love math, but I wasn't excited to learn it until I found something that just clicked with. How I see life. And I was like, oh, this will actually be helpful for when I'm going to do. Yeah. Yeah. Did you take psychology in high school or college high school? Yeah. It was a dual enrollment where they get to take college classes while you're in high school to get, try to get ahead really. But I was not ahead. I just, there was a local community college and it was an option. I loved it. Yeah. Anyway, that's good. That's getting better. Getting better. All right. So number eight, confront reality. You're good at this. I am. Because I don't care about. People's feelings you do. I'm getting a gate. Um, confront reality is just to confront tough issues. Head-on. So really good example of this is just if you get our paper cut. And you don't take care of it. It's just the paper. Cut. So it's very, very, very tiny, right. But if you don't take care of it, You don't clean it. You don't wash it. You don't bandage it. You don't do anything. And you just go about your business. It eventually it's going to get infected. It's going to fester. I mean, you're going to go to the hospital. You're going to have a what's it called? I don't know, but they'll cut off your whole finger. Yeah. You have to take care of things. That's the lesson. Yeah. Confronting reality. Yeah, I, that was the one I was at the worst at. Years ago. I feel like I now being where I am. And needing to have necessary conversations. I've had more opportunities to confront. Reality because I realized if I don't similar to your example, just now, if I don't address it now it's going to get worse later. Yeah. And right this last season, I've had an extremely full plate of things at the office. And so I realized that if I didn't feel like I had time to take care of something right now, like address an issue, especially when I don't want to do it. I saw where it blew up later. Oh, yeah. And it's take even more time. So I got in the habit of like, if I saw something, I said something. But I use that book. You were talking about radical candor to figure out how to say things with compassion. And point to vision rather than trying to cast shame. Right. Exactly. So yeah, saying things nicely in a way that is helpful, demonstrate respect. Yeah. Confront reality. Number eight. Okay. Um, number nine is clarify expectations. So this is the one. Okay. So this is the one I feel like all the episodes have been about clarify expectations having for bed. So create a shared vision and agreement upfront. Yeah. Goals. Set the goals. Yeah. Don't expect people to know. They don't know. Yeah. And the boundaries. Oh, listen, we don't have enough time on this podcast to even begin. To explore boundaries. Yeah. Lord have mercy. Right. So, yeah, I guess so clarify expectations. Those could be boundaries, but they could be goals, So I had this boss one time. Who. This is actually kind of funny. He. This is business. That was hard. I worked all the way from, I don't know, 8:00 AM till midnight, every single day. And the client would call at 11 o'clock at night my boss will call 11 o'clock. It didn't matter. It was just a free for all. Anyway, so yeah. Talk about boundaries. but this particular example of clarifying expectations is my boss. Would send me an email and if I didn't respond within. I would say 20 or 30 minutes, he would come out. To my desk. And sit there and tap his foot. And ask me what I didn't answer his email. Yeah. Oh, my bro. I have a. I'm at, at the time, I don't know how to 150 or whatever people. Yeah. 200 people. Yeah. So I'm doing things. I have a schedule. I'm doing a lot out here. I don't maybe can't answer email within balance, all that. I just learned. Did he tell me. I need you to answer my email. Immediately. No, he didn't tell me that, but based off of his behavior, I deduced that he needed me to answer his email immediately. And so I put a little, chime on his email. So I would hear it. Yeah. Come in specifically. And I would answer it right away because that's what he wanted. Yeah. And for me, it was helpful because he wasn't at my door. Yes. I feel like this is tying over to the working genius. We can talk about that later. Oh, my word, I love the working genius. We are going to have to have two episodes about that. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. So, yeah, don't even don't tantalize me. Okay. All right. Yeah. What are we on? Number 10. Number 10. So number nine was clarify expectations, which we've talked about. Go, I mean, episode one episode to episode, I don't have an answer. Number three earlier, we talked about creating transparency, but it's creating transparency of the goals. Like what are we supposed to do? We're supposed to accomplish. Right. We're trying to achieve. All right. Sorry. Number 10. I'm sorry, just one more thing about expectations, because I just don't understand why people aren't doing it. If you don't know what the expectation, let's just that your new boss. You don't know what the expectations. Should be. That's okay. The people, however, if you don't name them, the people are going to feel really nervous because they don't know how to hit. The goal. Or they don't know what to do. They don't know when they're doing a good job. So they get nervous. Yeah. And then they start to feel like they're not doing a good job, even though. They might be. It's good to very, very confusing. Yeah. So if you, if you are a new manager and you don't know what the expectations should be, just ask, ask the people, they're the ones doing the job. So just sit down and have a talk with them and just say, Hey guys. I want your input on what the expectations could be. Could we all write them together? That's a good example. Yeah. And if that builds. Teamwork trust collaboration. And also you're getting the minds when you have diverse. If it's not just a, you. Because one person is never going to have all the answers, but if you have a whole team of people and they're all able to join in and. Provide input. Yeah. You're going to get a good result. And then you could just write them somewhere where everyone can see it's very clear and people don't feel like they're getting treated differently or they don't feel nervous about not doing a good job. And people are clear. It's unified. Unified right. Okay. So number 10. Practice accountability. Ooh. I love this one too. I wonder if he, if Covey intentionally put these in this order, because I feel like they play off each other so well, Oh, they do. Cause you're Goals. And now. Hold accountability for those goals. And the book says, hold yourself accountable first. And then others accountable. Second. That's great. I heard this quote one time. There is not one thing that you can fix. If you don't take responsibility for it, you have to hold yourself accountable first before you. I can even think about fixing it. So. What would the counterfeit of that be? For practice accountability. Avoiding responsibility. Shirking your responsibilities, passing it off to others. Yeah, I mean, not doing it at all. It's just kind of like, that's the passive aggressive in that holding you accountable, but I'm upset and I'm angry. Uh, yeah, probably blaming other people. It's like. Let me think. I'm going to do a training on this one. So this is going to be a whole. Course about accountability because I love it so much. But one of the things that is going to be in that course is that you hold yourself accountable first as the leader. And one of the ways to. Make sure that you're not holding people accountable, unfairly. Is to make sure that they know the expectations and that you follow up with them several times. Yeah. That's what I want to say. Okay. That works because you're clear on what it is. And then you're following up multiple times so that it's not like you know, some sometimes. You just spit it and then run. Yeah. But you follow it up. If you follow up multiple times. And they're still not doing it. It's. Yeah. It just doesn't happen. People want to do a good job. People want to do a good job. And so nine times out of 10, they are not going to get to that point where you have to hold them accountable, or they're just going to do it. Yeah. I know you talk about this in your one-on-one guide, how to have these healthy conversations, ongoing. We should probably link that to people. But I also think about how I mentioned that working genius already, but I'm feeling it now as you're talking about it, I really don't like to do this one. I feel like I can do it well, but it drains me to no end. Because I feel personal responsibility to do the things, I don't want to have to hold other people accountable because I would hope that they would just do it. But I know that it's an important thing. It's just drains me. So when I talk about working genius, this is, I feel like it's a tenacity piece. Where it's helping to make sure that other people are completing the goals that we've did, what we said we're going to do. Like we brought it. To completion. If people aren't doing their piece, it's following up and making sure that they're doing it. I'm like this. It's a lot. It's a lot. I don't like thinking about it. I don't like doing it. I'd rather just invent and dream all day. Okay, well, let me give you. just, uh, Uh, positive part of that. Yeah. Typically. Your job has been a little, Unorthodox lately your jobs, I should say. But typically when you have a team, you keep the team for a long time and they learn what the expectations are. So you don't have to continue to. Follow up now in my career, I've taken over a lot of teams. So when you take over a team, you have to set the expectations clearly, and you do have to follow up a lot of times until they know. You and what the expectations are. Yeah. But they don't try to push it after that. They just understand this is what it's going to be. Yeah. And they don't really, they just do it. They just get the dropdown, because like I said, people want to win. They want to do a good job. Yeah. They really do. I'm not against you. I agree. I see the value. I'm glad you're not against me. You were married if we are. All right, but again, it's okay to have healthy conflict. Yes. That is the end of the first 10. So first five characters, second, five competency doing the job. The next three are a combination of both. Yeah, it's three. So that's 11 and 12 and 13. So 11 is listen first, genuinely listened to understand. And listen with your eyes, your ears and your heart. All of it. 360. Listen. Nice. Yes. I don't have much to say about this one, but I feel. It is easy to zone out. I was just in a training course where somebody was saying. Almost I forget the exact numbers. Okay. But we can listen to almost twice as fast as people can talk. Yeah. I've heard that. There's a lot of gap for us to be able to be thinking about something else. Remember things, forget things, all the different pieces. All in the midst of somebody's sentence. And it's also easy to be able to look at all the things that are happening around the person while the person is talking to us, especially in public. And this is one of the frustrating things to you. It's like you and I could be talking. Well, not, let's say, not say you and I, I pay attention to you. Of course you do. You always do. Everybody heard that, right? Yes. Okay. But somebody could be talking to you. And while you're talking to them, their eyes could be looking at everybody behind you, walking and trying to like, find the nearest exit. They love what you're saying, but they also have to use the restroom or whatever reason, whatever reason somebody is not listening to you. It's a weird on me, but it's true. Like it's easy to do. We all don't want to be in a conversation, but listening first, we can navigate around it, active listening, repeating back what the person has said to us to show that we understand. Yeah. Micro affirmations. Yes. Nodding. Smiling. Um, These are ways that you can communicate. Silently that you're listening to the person. And I, I mean, I find that you are able to respond. More quickly and accurately, if you are listening fully. Yeah. I'm with you. So Ryan Clark, He's on the NFL show. He just said something this week that I just loved. And I think this is the second weekend in a row that I'm quoting Ron. Clark's. Yeah. He's. I mean, he's not paying any or anything, but. Okay. So here's what he says. He's talking about coach. And the players. And this is related to listen. First. He said, when you think that your system is bigger than your players, you've already lost. Hmm. So I love that because if you're not listening to your people, your player, if you're not listening, Yeah. Then you don't know what you're doing, right. You have to listen. Yeah. You just have to, there's no way to, I don't think there's any way to win. If you are ignoring the people. your literal job is to lead them and you don't know how to lead them. Well, if you don't know what they need. You don't know what they want. Ask questions. Yeah. Check up on them. Remember the things that they said that they're. They care about. There are ways to do it. Well. There are a lot of ways to do it now. Well, So anyway, um, listen first. Very good. Okay. So number 12. Quickest way to break trust with people. Keep coming. Okay. Well, wait, now you just confuse them because. I said, keep commitments. The behavior itself is called Kiko admins. Okay. So do what you say. Do what you say you're going to do. Yes. Okay. Yes. And then this is the number one way to break trust with people, the quickest it's just not keeping it. You break your commitments. Yeah. Alright, so I didn't ask your permission to tell the story. But I'll, I guess I'll ask it now. Early in our marriage. I remember you used to ask me to do things and I would not commit to them. Do you remember this? Yeah. And I seem to recall that it would be Tuesday night is this Wednesday night is this Thursday night. And I, I don't know if I'm going to come. I don't know if I'm going to be there. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to make. And after repeatedly. Not committing to these events. I feel like you started maybe to get a little mad at me. True or false. Um, False. It created tension. Oh, you just made me think of what's his name? From from the office. Yes. That's black bear. Yes. It definitely created attention because. AT this point, we were not creating transparency. We. We were both getting frustrated. And we both didn't understand why the other person wasn't understanding our frustration. Yeah. Uh, yes. Healthy conflict. Let's talk about it. The conflict. So there was a night that we had a lot of street talk. Well, I did a lot of street talk. I talked and you were active listening. You were listening first. And. We basically talked through all this area. I asked all the questions to try to figure out what the root cause was. And. We figured out that you don't like me scheduling things on your calendar. That you don't want to do right. 'cause I got people out. Yes. I get people out. Yes. I love people. But I get people down. Yes. And we didn't clarify expectations up front of how often we would hang out, do the things with all the people I was already in the rhythm of hanging out with other people every night before we got together. Because leading a church and doing all that stuff. But then the other piece was. The frustration that I was feeling is. Um, I was talking, but I felt like you weren't talking back or giving me feedback on what was helpful and what not helpful. It was more of just kind of withdrawing and silence. Yeah. And I'm great at that. Yeah. Not anymore. You're doing really good at opening up and sharing. But it was like creating transparency and into the situation of what's going on, what you're thinking about so that I could help make it better. So we figured out a way to do it. Yeah. And we signed a deal that night of, I wouldn't schedule things on your calendar that you didn't want to do. No. Um, first talking to you about it. Yep. That if you felt like withdrawing and not talking, you would pick a time and a day that we would talk and we would do that. So I had something to look forward to. Yeah. So is there a contract like we have a contract, does it exist still? It's not because what am I. It was a contract. It was just, we basically wrote our stuff down and signed it. I mean, we signed it though. We kept commitments. Number 12. Demonstrate how it's done. Yes. Lovely. Yes. That's so, yeah, but that has always been a big deal for me is to do, like, don't say you're going to do stuff and then don't do them. Yeah, this is the quickest way to do a break trust with me. Yeah. Break your commitments. Yeah. Yeah. I have a lot of past stuff. Trauma. Yes. This is not a relationship podcast. This is not, but people will be like, yeah, they cheated on me. They did. You know, they told me they were going to come and they didn't come. And like they said, they'd always be with me and that never happened. And. also families and, you know, teams. It's easy to. Remember the things that we lost. And so I feel like this is the thing, probably why it's number one way to break trust with people. It's like they left me or I lost that thing. Yeah. It's just a pain point for people. Trauma. Yes. But. There's always hope. In number 13, extend trust. Yeah. Smart trust. Yeah. So extend trust based on reason record and circumstance. Yeah. All right. So the best example of this is I think the. the. five-year-old. Sure. The five-year-old is so cute. But you don't let her drive the car. Yeah. You don't extend trust to her and allow her to drop the car, do you right? No, because based on reason record and circumstance, she can not drop the car. Also it's illegal. Um, so what's a good example of extending trust. Cause that's a, that would be a bad example. Yes. Let the five-year-old drive the car. I think a good example is. A church. So I love this scenario. If anybody's ever stepped into a church. They would likely see that there is some mention of offering because churches are normally run by gifts and offerings. Oh, like the bowl, they pass the ball around. They. Okay. Okay. And so if they were to, let's say they have music, that's playing. When you know, there's an opportunity for people to be able to give and trust God with their finances. If they were to require every single person to come to the front of the room while one person was holding the bowl up front and drop the money and to go back to their seat to make sure that no one is taking money from the offering boy. Right. It would take forever. It would take more than one song. Yeah. So, what a lot of churches will do is they will pass the offering all around, right. And people will just take the bowl, drop their money in and pass it along. Yeah. And so it's a very quick way to be able to get the same thing done. But it's extending trust to the people that they won't take money out. And there is a lot of speed that comes with it and it's equipping, trusting and empowering the people. And there's a lot of it's, it's a quick way to build. Trust the people there, you also have hot dog stands and donut stands where people will leave like a little cup. And they, people can put their own thing together, grab their own donut, grab their own hot dog, and then just put the money in there and then take their own change. And they found that they were able to increase productivity, increased sales, because they're trusting people, but also they're not, you don't need a person there. That's actually Manning the situation. Yeah. What book was that in? I don't remember. It might have been the speed of trust. Ah, good plug. Thanks. All right. That's 13. That's 13, 13. behaviors. Or you have any final words, husband? Um, It works. This is what I've been doing with my friends, with my family. Anytime that I feel like I mess up. I have language that I can use to identify the root cost. Do you feel like I'm not being loyal to you? Do you feel like I broke your trust by breaking this commitment? Or I ask people, why do you feel like you could trust me? Like we just met last week and we're working together and it's easy. And they will be like, well, because you do this and I'm like, oh, that makes sense. I am delivering results. That makes sense. And so it's like, I can find out what I do well, What I could do better. And it is also been great language when talking with other people on my team, because people are like, you said, very easy to gossip. And so, and just to feel hurt and talk about their feelings. And so to be able to put language to it and make it practical so that we can take action and make it better. Right. Get better. Number seven number seven plus seven. It's just been super helpful in being able to actually course correct. And. Realign our goals to be on the same page. Be unified. Yeah. So you could train your team. I mean, you could just take these 13 behaviors, train your team. Give them all the tools. And then you could even do a 360. What do you call that feedback? Yeah and say, Hey. Team. I want you to look at these 13 behaviors and tell me where you think I am strong and also not so strong. Yeah. And one of the best ways you can get better as a leader is by asking for feedback from people who are on your team or people that are close to you. As well. Yeah. So, okay. Well, that's it. That's it for today. Thank you for listening in and Hey, do you want to be a part of the show you could call in or text (864) 619-1683. To share your story and we will get into it about what your leader should have done differently. And calling all bosses. Would you share this episode with someone you think would like it our goal is to inspire and equip others, but we cannot do it without you. And listen, friend, we know it's not easy, but remember that, whatever it is, you're walking through you. aren't certainly not alone. And together we can make the world a better place to work. Thanks for listening team. Take care and see you next week.